Utah high schools come equipped with their own little Mormon churches. Seminaries. LDS Academia. The religious portion of the student body (i.e. the majority of the state) are encouraged to take one Seminary class each year. Freshman to Senior. A period, between Algebra II and AP Chemistry, where one can learn more about the teachings of God and study scripture.
O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.
Alma 37:35
It may go without saying, but I wasn’t a very good Mormon. Not as a teenager. In fact, plenty of mothers from my old neighborhood would be quick (maybe too quick) to agree. I was the type of apostate who would skip Seminary class to buy the newest Marilyn Manson CD with their Tithing money.
But I wasn’t always so bold.
I was a product of my environment, growing up. I heard the same thing at Sunday School, that I heard in Boy Scouts, that I heard in Seminary.
For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.
2 Nephi 25:23
How could I not believe in God? My family did. My friends did. Even when it wasn’t being spoken about, it was still implied: Will God hold it against me if I listen to Marilyn Manson? How many curse words am I allowed to say before I’m damned? My earlier years were laced with memorized bible verses, personal testimonies, and an incessant fear of sinning.
If ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish.
Mosiah 4:30
Fear turned to dread.
During my freshman year of high school, the same year I started taking Seminary classes, I was diagnosed with depression. The drug addict inside me stretched itself awake. “What’s with all these rules, man? Why do you care so much? You know, you’re probably going to Hell anyway for that porn you’ve watched, might as well stop trying.” So I stopped trying.
That’s just one of the symptoms of this disease, at least as it presents in me. Perfectionism. If I do one thing wrong, it doesn’t matter that I did everything else right. “Is that a B+? May as well stop trying to be a good student at all. You smoked a cigarette? Best to just stop going to church altogether. Underage drinking? Better get ready to become a full-blown heroin addict.”
For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I.
D&C 19:16
A Seminary teacher once asked the class: “Who thinks they’re going to Heaven?” I certainly didn’t raise my hand, but I was shocked that no one else did either. Maybe it wasn’t just me who felt the pressure to be perfect. The teacher was quick to assure us how hard it was not to get into heaven. We had no reason to worry, especially if we continued to repent and accept Jesus.
What if I didn’t want to repent?
Sinning was awesome. The only problem was the freshly awoken drug addict that had to take everything to the extreme. No God, no religion, no spirituality or personal belief systems just pure unadulterated hedonism. If God didn’t exist, I didn’t have to worry about an afterlife. But, what I failed to consider is, I still had to worry about this life.
The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man’s; the Son also.
D&C 130:22
Drugs left me just as imprisoned as religion. Whether I was a boy scout or a junkie, any joy I felt in whatever moment was always tempered by the thought of future suffering. Eternal damnation. Heroin withdrawal. My ability to fully participate in all things human was stunted. The bliss from a hit of heroin was undermined by the fear of not being able to get another dose. The joy of listening to music was ruined because swearing is a sin.
Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.
2 Nephi 2:25
As a Seminary student, there are one-hundred bible verses you’re highly encouraged to memorize—the thought being that they will enrich your life, align your will with God’s. Maybe I’m the exception here, but it never seemed to work for me. It’s not for lack of trying. I wanted to believe. It just never clicked. There was something wrong with me.
So when I couldn’t achieve that standard that was set for me, the drug addict took over: “You think I’m sinning now? You guys haven’t seen anything yet.”
I want to be clear. It didn’t have to be Mormonism. It could have been Catholicism, Protestantism, Christianity, or Taoism. It could have been Atheism. My environment wasn’t responsible for the choices I made. Mormonism was just the flavor I was given. The problem wasn’t anything external. The problem was me. My addiction. The choices I made.
However, there is an upshot. If I created the problem, that meant I could also create the solution.
To be continued…
I love all the different devices you use to tell your story. Excellent work, Matt. Always a pleasure to read.
It is sad / funny that I could have written this entire essay. Couldn’t be more accurate for my life as well. Astounding how similar addict brains are, and ex-Mormons, lol.